# How women win: happy hunting

- Channel: [Orion Taraban](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw)
- Published: 2026-05-18
- Source video: [Watch on YouTube](https://youtube.com/watch?v=usC-PHjTIIY)
- Read on ReadTube: https://www.read.tube/p/videos/usC-PHjTIIY
- Language: Original (source language)

## Summary

**Research Before the Date**

Women should treat dating as a conditional yes and do their research before agreeing to a date, rather than using the date itself to decide whether a man is relationship material. The speaker argues that this approach helps women avoid lazy dating, reduce confusion, and protect long-term relationship prospects while still reserving sexual access for men who prove a good fit.

The speaker says the apparent conflict between encouraging women to be sexually direct with men they want and warning against promiscuity is resolved by preparation. A woman should not go on a date unless she is already willing to say yes to a sexual relationship if the date goes well, but that yes remains conditional and can be revoked if the man behaves badly or proves unsuitable.

He argues that the real job of the date is not for the woman to discover whether she likes the man, but for her to confirm a decision she has already made through prior research. Women are told to use the same effort they might spend tracking an ex on social media to investigate a potential partner’s character, goals, habits, and compatibility before meeting him. If the research shows poor fit, she should decline; if it shows promise, she can arrive prepared as a conditional yes.

The talk frames dating as a marketplace where men and women play different roles: men are likened to employers who offer opportunities, while women are said to have leverage through sexual access and should use it strategically. The core message is that sex opens the door, but research and fit are what make commitment more likely; lazy, unprepared dating wastes time and can undermine long-term goals.

## Article

### Women Win by Playing the Sexual Marketplace Intelligently

I'm Dr. Orion Taraban and this is *Psych Hacks, better living through psychology*. The topic of today's short talk is how women win. This episode is for women and for men who know women. Guys, send this to your daughters, send this to your sisters, send this to the women you care about, because it will help them navigate the contemporary sexual marketplace more successfully. I'm going to say the things that no one else is willing to tell them, so do your part and pass things along.

This episode was actually inspired by an email I received from a young woman several months ago. She wrote to me, and I'm paraphrasing here:

> "Dr. Taraban, I've been following your work for a while and I agree with a lot of what you have to say, but I've noticed what might be a discrepancy in your teachings. On the one hand, you counsel women to be the nastiest, [__] versions of themselves with the men from whom they want relationships. And on the other hand, you caution women against being too promiscuous and raising their body count as that will compromise their long-term relationship opportunities. So, how do you reconcile these two pieces of advice? How do you do one without the other?"

It's an excellent question because, in my mind, these two pieces of advice are not contradictory, but I can certainly see how they would appear to be. I've inadvertently left a gap between these two teachings, and I hope to bridge that gap today. So let's get to it.

### A Conditional Yes on the First Date

In the first place, I believe it's a good idea for a woman to only go out with a man with whom she is willing to initiate a sexual relationship. She should show up to the date as a conditional yes. I don't know how else to put it. If women did this, it would take a great deal of the frustration and confusion out of the dating process on both sides.

A conditional yes basically means that if everything goes well, the two of you are going to initiate a sexual relationship. But things don't always go well, so the yes is conditional. It can be revoked at any time for any reason. This means that if the man acts like a fool, or he's arrogant, or he's rude, or he's pushy, or he gets too drunk, or he's boring, or otherwise screws things up, the woman can change her mind and opt out. But it's a change of mind from yes to no, not from maybe or we'll see to no. Do you understand? It's an important difference.

If a woman cannot in good faith show up to a date as a conditional yes, hot take, she shouldn't go out on a date with that man. Just turn him down. It hurts, yes, I get it, but it hurts less than having your time and energy and money misspent. If women followed this simple rule, I think dating would actually be safer and smoother for everyone, as both parties would pretty much understand what they're getting into.

However, I can already sense the objection to this piece of advice. Okay, Orion, you're saying that women should only date men they want relationships from, and that they should be willing to show them the nastiest, [__] versions of themselves from the very first date, right? Well, how is a woman to know whether she wants a relationship from a man before the first date happens? Isn't that what the date is for?

I'm so glad you asked. It turns out, no. No, no, no. That's not what the date is for. You've been misinformed about dating if you think that. I'm here to tell you that it's your job. You, the woman, it's your job to figure that out before the first date. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that if a woman shows up to a first date and she knows nothing about the man she is meeting, then she [__] up.

### Dating Is Hunting for Women, Not Guessing

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As I've discussed elsewhere, there are two general approaches to dating: hunting and fishing. Men generally have to fish, that is, cast a wide net and effectively choose the best from among what has already chosen them. Women, on the other hand, can hunt. That is, they can target specific individual men for relationships. Why? Because she controls something that will give her access to most men, namely, a sexual experience. And the more effortless and enjoyable that experience is, the more attractive her offer will be.

Because of this, if a woman shows up on a date and she doesn't yet know if she's interested in a relationship with the man in question, and she's using the dating process, which is bankrolled by the man, to figure that out, well, that is lazy dating. And there are a lot of lazy daters out there.

Think of it like this. As I've said before, when it comes to relationships, men are the employers. Why? Because men offer a position in their lives to women, not the other way around. Men build the ships, the frames, for women to enter into. So, within this analogy, when a woman shows up to a first date without knowing anything about the guy she is meeting, that's comparable to a woman showing up to a job interview and knowing [__] all about the company.

Can you imagine? Imagine sitting down with an applicant in a job interview and she's like, "So, hmm, what does your company do?" Oh, wow, really? Hmm. So, do you sell a product or is it more of a service? That woman is not going to get that job. She was a lazy applicant, and she was likely lazy, at least in part, because she didn't understand how competitive the marketplace is.

The competition for a job at a big tech company is fierce. People are fighting tooth and nail to earn the opportunity to work for hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. There are coaching programs and comprehensive courses that are exclusively devoted to preparing people to answer the questions in these interviews properly. Strong applicants know what the company's mission is, what they're currently working on, what they're rumored to be working on, what their competitors are working on, and so on. And they make it clear in that interview that their skillset and experience constituted goodness of fit that would help that company achieve its goals.

People like that, people who prepare to take advantage of opportunities presented to them, fare much, much better in the professional marketplace than those who don't. By the same token, competition for a relationship with a top percentile guy is just as savage. Why? Because women are effectively competing for the opportunity to enjoy a lifestyle that costs hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars a year, without working. That's a pretty attractive prospect.

But successful men don't give out relationships any more than big tech companies hand out jobs. And when women show up unprepared to take advantage of the opportunity afforded by access to that man, they get passed over. Even if they initiate a sexual relationship with that man. Remember, sex just gets you access. It's necessary, but insufficient. It doesn't secure commitment by itself.

### Why Research Comes Before the Date

Since women can hunt, and since social media exists, women should not be dating randomly. Especially if dating requires, as I argue, a conditional yes. Otherwise, it's a very short slide into promiscuity, which might compromise their long-term goals. So what should they do instead? In a word, research.

Women, you got to do your research before the date. And this isn't actually a big ask because you women love to do research. You love it. You all know how to stalk your ex on social media, right? Well, stalk your future husband instead. Figure out who he is, what he's doing, where he's going, what he likes and doesn't like, what he needs and doesn't need. Figure out as much about him as possible.

And if in this research phase you discover things that would make a relationship with him unpleasant or inconvenient, great. Great. You just saved everyone a whole bunch of trouble. Just move on to the next candidate. On the other hand, if their research suggests a goodness of fit, now they can show up to the date as a conditional yes with confidence. Like an applicant who has done her homework, she can position herself properly vis-a-vis the man's mission, preferences, goals, and interests. Maintain a high good times to hassle ratio, and you're in. That's how you get the [__] job.

And to be honest, anyone who is not willing to put in the work does not deserve that position. Because there is someone else out there who is willing. And this someone is going to outwork her lazier competitors.

### How the Two Teachings Fit Together

So hopefully that clears some things up. That's how you reconcile the two teachings. Women should do their research beforehand so they can show up to the date as a conditional yes. And if everything goes well, she should give that guy the nastiest, [__] version of herself. The sexual opportunity opens the door, and her research gives her a better chance of staying inside.

Happy hunting. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know a woman who needs to hear this real talk advice that might be uncomfortable for you to give her. I'll do it for you. It's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow.

Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter, for which I write original content, or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly, and I do consultations with men and women, can find out more information on my website. There's also my books. My best seller, *The Value of Others*, in which I explore in-depth my economic model of relationships, and my novel, *Starry Night*, where I explore the final weeks in the life of painter Vincent van Gogh.

### Books, Consultations, and The Captain's Quarters

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, there is my private member community, *The Captain's Quarters*. I give all of this generic general advice and theory to millions through YouTube. How do you apply it to your unique circumstances? That's what *The Captain's Quarters* is for. In my live bi-monthly group consultation calls, I work through problems in real time with members, so that they can learn how to apply these principles effectively in their own lives. It's actually a really great value. Check it out if you are even remotely inclined. The links to everything are in the description below.

As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.